Monday, August 06, 2007
Many many thoughts
Oh deary me...I am really much more than a cup half-full type of gal. Usually my cup runneth over, I don't hold grudges, I move on and I look at the bright side of things. Its been harder for the past month or so, however...Some challenges, in no particular order:
On July 7 I had a nasty accident with our van, Lulu, as it rolled down a hill (photos to follow as I figure out Picasa/Blogger interfaces)
Thankfully:
On July 7 I had a nasty accident with our van, Lulu, as it rolled down a hill (photos to follow as I figure out Picasa/Blogger interfaces)
Thankfully:
- no one was hurt, and it could've been ugly, as there were many people around
- it happened at camp, on the first day, so I didn't need a car, and I had the most supportive people in the world with me
- I have a US cell phone so it wasn't nearly as costly to make all the required calls
- I have BCAA, which came and towed Lulu away
- the camp staff were amazing and fabulous - Camp Brotherhood, in Mt Vernon, WA, should you ever be needing a great space to book for a large gathering. They took special care in removing Lulu (unlike the tow truck gentlemen), so the damage was minimalized.
- we have bit of extra money thanks to Rob's writing, so were able to not have to stress too much about renting a car to get me home
- my brother and his wife have been awesome and generous, letting us stay with them and tackling rush hour traffic to get us to the shop - Craftmans Collision in Coquitlam, who have also rocked
- it's summer so I don't have as many obligations on my time and was still able to pull off a pretty darn nice camping trip
What's bumming me out:
- Lulu is still in the shop, a month later, and we have no idea when she'll be done
- no one would pay to bring her to the island (BCAA, ICBC, Toyota), so she's stuck in Vancouver and we're stuck with extra ferry bills and the hassle of traveling back and forth
- Toyota's been stupid about it, especially Metro Lexus Toyota in Victoria - avoid at all costs! So we don't know where Lulu's going after Craftsman Collision
- Since there was previous damage, we're stuck with a mighty huge amount of money to pay for, which induces severe guilt every time I think of it
- we need to return our loaner car before Lulu goes to whatever Toyota dealership she goes to...so we need to rent a car, and since we are booked to be in Seattle and Bellingham and Bowen Island over the next week, that sucks too
Okay, so its all manageable and much better than it could be (half full plus, see?), but still hard to deal with and very frustrating, since there is no end in sight
On a much, much larger scale of the serious suck, my dad is really sick with emphysema. He nearly died in Feb., and that was incredibly hard and I spent weeks at the hospital with him. He's home and going steadily downhill, getting more and more depressed, fighting less and less with the disease and more and more with others around him, and giving up. he's always been a huge fighter, more strong willed, for better or for worse, than almost anyone I know. I hate seeing him like this, I hate feeling helpless. I want to bully him into taking care of himself, but if he continues to put his strong will into fighting everyone, it's a very hard thing to work against.
Add to that the natural patterns of passive aggressiveness and fighting, bitterness and resentment that have built up over the past 30 years between he and my mom and its a toxic fog to walk in to. I'm trying to be supportive and unbiased and helpful, cheerful and upbeat, but the sheer negativity, blame, and general ugliness is exhausting, on top of the actual situation, which is pretty damn bleak right now. There's way more to it, many bad conversations, nasty situations and ugly scenes which I won't detail here, but its awful and worsening fast. And that sucks majorly, and its hard to find the ray of light in this situation right now. I'll be going up and helping out and hanging out a bunch starting after we return from this trip to the Mainland, hopefully I can get things turned to a more positive light. If its possible...
Oooo, that was negative! Shame on me...I can only make it the best that it can be under the circumstances. And take lots and lots of deep, healing breaths.
What else? We went to see a fertility doctor to figure out our secondary infertility issues - looking weight and getting healthier would help, procreating more often would too...I figured my thyroid was maybe part of the problem, and have already had some bloodwork done, and an in-office, internal ultrasound.
Turns out I have a golf-ball sized cyst on my left ovary
Crap
Could be endometriosis, but I don't have the other symptoms. Could be a tumour, which in turn could be benign or malignant. I'm still pretty positive - mom had a bigger tumour way before she had me, it was benign, and after they removed it and her opposite fallopian tube she was told she couldn't have kids, but somehow had me and my brother - she swears by yoga, yoga classes, here I come! I'm not ready to really freak out yet, but it's still there at the back of my mind...
Otherwise, the house is a disaster. Can't walk through it, piles of crap everywhere and so much to do. I guess that's my job for the rest of the summer, once we're home, between trips up-Island. But its gross and depressing and stress inducing.
But Mr X rocks, and is the best kid ever, and while I'm biased, I have a good chunk of experience and kids to compare with. And I'm getting a new laptop, which is very cool and exciting. We're off for a trip again, and we have much fun as a family whilst on the road. We're going to see a preview of young Frankenstein before it hits New York, and that's pretty wicked awesome too. And I'm going to see Tom Hunter perform in Bellingham and maybe see some camp friends, also tres cool.
It'll all be okay, its just hard to process sometimes...
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Home again, home gain...
I think I've used that header before, which means I'm on the road waaayyy too much. We made it to Vancouver, checked out poor Lulu, hit Science World and had a visit and some amazing ice cream with my brother and his wife, who were gracious enough to let us stay with them and then drove us through rush hour traffic to get to the shop today. It took 50 minutes to get around the block and back onto the main road after we got the rental car. To go around 1 block, people! Every single intersection was blocked at every single light change by people pulling forward. 20 minutes to go straight through 1 light. So we missed a ferry, then there was a 2 sailing wait, and we couldn't reserve since I had no idea how long we'd be on the road...we ended up catching the 9:00 boat, after waiting 2 hours at the terminal. It was made much worse by an absolutely blinding headache, the likes of which I haven't had in a very long time. I packed a full med/first aid kit, but somehow the Advil was removed, and I didn't think (in my pain-induced haze) of checking at the terminal for a shop that sold meds. Eventually I did think of it and found a tube of 10 Motrin for $3.50. Worth every penny, though in the end I had to take 3 to tame the agony.
We rolled off the boat at 10:40, and had to get home and get Xander's quidditch costume on before we hit Bolen books for the launch. Somehow we hit every single green light - someone was looking out for us! and were home by 11:00, though normally it's at least 30 minutes to get home. And I barely sped! Got Xander dressed and went to the store, where we found an exasperated and exhausted Rob, talking into a headset like he was someone famous or something, and raced like crazy through the deserted mall - what a weird feeling that was! - to get to the Knight Bus at the back of the mall. We had to go through the length of the back room of the bookstore, which is huge, then make u-turn and go the same length and more back through the administrative hall (where all the stores have loading zones), which runs parallel to and directly alongside the store back room, then from there turn 90 degrees and go past about 5 stores in the mall, turn left 90 degrees again and go back the way we came through the mall. hard to describe - a complete zigzag, 3 full times before heading out a back door and going the length of the mall again in the opposite direction to get to the back loading zone. i think it'd make more sense with many diagrams, but needless to say, it was weird and exhausting, as we were running full out to get on the bus. And incredible surreal.
But we made it, and were able to ride along the whole line, screaming and whooping and hollering, in an open topped double decker bus filled with Harry Potter fans in marvelous costumes and with most excellent enthusiasm. it was a blast! X rocked in his Quidditch uniform (I'll load a picture soon). And now we have our HP book 7, though we're re-reading book 6 first.
Rob did an awesome job at organizing the event, along with his enthusiastic and fabulous staff, and it was a phenomenal success, with lots of media coverage and I'm guessing well over 2500 people in attendance. We didn't get home until 1:30.
And now its crazy late and I have packing for camping to get done, plus maybe luminara tomorrow if the rain holds off.
G'night!
We rolled off the boat at 10:40, and had to get home and get Xander's quidditch costume on before we hit Bolen books for the launch. Somehow we hit every single green light - someone was looking out for us! and were home by 11:00, though normally it's at least 30 minutes to get home. And I barely sped! Got Xander dressed and went to the store, where we found an exasperated and exhausted Rob, talking into a headset like he was someone famous or something, and raced like crazy through the deserted mall - what a weird feeling that was! - to get to the Knight Bus at the back of the mall. We had to go through the length of the back room of the bookstore, which is huge, then make u-turn and go the same length and more back through the administrative hall (where all the stores have loading zones), which runs parallel to and directly alongside the store back room, then from there turn 90 degrees and go past about 5 stores in the mall, turn left 90 degrees again and go back the way we came through the mall. hard to describe - a complete zigzag, 3 full times before heading out a back door and going the length of the mall again in the opposite direction to get to the back loading zone. i think it'd make more sense with many diagrams, but needless to say, it was weird and exhausting, as we were running full out to get on the bus. And incredible surreal.
But we made it, and were able to ride along the whole line, screaming and whooping and hollering, in an open topped double decker bus filled with Harry Potter fans in marvelous costumes and with most excellent enthusiasm. it was a blast! X rocked in his Quidditch uniform (I'll load a picture soon). And now we have our HP book 7, though we're re-reading book 6 first.
Rob did an awesome job at organizing the event, along with his enthusiastic and fabulous staff, and it was a phenomenal success, with lots of media coverage and I'm guessing well over 2500 people in attendance. We didn't get home until 1:30.
And now its crazy late and I have packing for camping to get done, plus maybe luminara tomorrow if the rain holds off.
G'night!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
My horoscope and then some!
If only all horoscopes were as helpful as this...
It's a great day to sit down and make a list of all those things that you do well. Consider this exercise as a way of taking a personal inventory. But to be completely honest, you must also include those things you want to improve about yourself. There is no need to be overly harsh in your judgment about your shortcomings. Don't try to change everything at once; just pick one or two things and then try to make them better.
Go on and try it - you know you wanna!
Anyways, the car seems to maybe slowly getting resolved. At least I have a mechanic and a time to pick up the loaner car - Friday, in Vancouver, but it's something, at least. They're closed the weekend, so I figure it'll be at least a week and a half, which will take me to the time we're done camping, so I should be able to go camping and enjoy it. I'll have to be more vigilant about carrying my phone with me, which sucks, but at least we can go. So now I can put those plans in motion. I'm not sure how the week will unfold and what time we'll head out on Sunday, but it gets dark late, so we should be able to get the tent up even if we leave in the afternoon. the rest is gravy.
I'm still worries about the Toyota thing, and how much we'll have to pay for it all, plus the ferry trips and the rental thus far, which is only partially covered. But it's only money (thank goodness for Rob's writing!) and no one was hurt, just shook up a whole lot. I have a lot of to-do's to figure out on top of the ones I've already made lists of, but the important stuff will get done and the rest...won't. C'est la vie!
Went to choir tonight and it was good. It was a lot of work for a drop-in, mostly spirituals Denis worked on during his workshop last week (one day I'll go - hopefully it won't always coincide with camp). But good to be back, singing. I'll miss the next 2 weeks, but for camping, so it'll be good. Luminara is this week too, but I managed to get us into a lantern workshop at the last minute (for tomorrow), so we don't need to worry about making lanterns before it happens. though I might bring lantern stuff camping and we can make some there and have our own little parade of lights one night. I'm going to skip the fancy pirate costume - did i already say that this week? I wish I could make it, but I want to make a nice, fitted (ie wench-like) laced bodice and I don't want to rush it. Plus if I loose a bit (a lot!) of weight it'll look better...shame to put in a lot of work and have it not fit.
So I don't need to worry about Luminara much - find the parts of Xander's pirate costume, organize my wings and urban fairy outfit - maybe if I'm inspired make a quick mask that'll fit over glasses...otherwise no mask and that's okay too.
Costume for Xander's Harry Potter stuff is a must, but I think it'll be pretty easy. We do need a new broom and golden snitch, since the dog ate the old ones, and I need to re-do a Quidditch sweater that fits, but the robes stuff fit, and the pads are good. That's for Friday night. I don't know if I'll bother dressing up - the concept is good but the timing isn't great. Dress-ups 2 nights in a row - unheard of!
Anyways, it'll all get sorted out. Tomorrow is garbage day and I have pet cages that need cleaning and the fridge to go through and so on, so I'm off to get busy.
More as I figure it out!
stupid spell check
doesn't
fix capitals,
so if i look all
ee cummings
that's why!
It's a great day to sit down and make a list of all those things that you do well. Consider this exercise as a way of taking a personal inventory. But to be completely honest, you must also include those things you want to improve about yourself. There is no need to be overly harsh in your judgment about your shortcomings. Don't try to change everything at once; just pick one or two things and then try to make them better.
Go on and try it - you know you wanna!
Anyways, the car seems to maybe slowly getting resolved. At least I have a mechanic and a time to pick up the loaner car - Friday, in Vancouver, but it's something, at least. They're closed the weekend, so I figure it'll be at least a week and a half, which will take me to the time we're done camping, so I should be able to go camping and enjoy it. I'll have to be more vigilant about carrying my phone with me, which sucks, but at least we can go. So now I can put those plans in motion. I'm not sure how the week will unfold and what time we'll head out on Sunday, but it gets dark late, so we should be able to get the tent up even if we leave in the afternoon. the rest is gravy.
I'm still worries about the Toyota thing, and how much we'll have to pay for it all, plus the ferry trips and the rental thus far, which is only partially covered. But it's only money (thank goodness for Rob's writing!) and no one was hurt, just shook up a whole lot. I have a lot of to-do's to figure out on top of the ones I've already made lists of, but the important stuff will get done and the rest...won't. C'est la vie!
Went to choir tonight and it was good. It was a lot of work for a drop-in, mostly spirituals Denis worked on during his workshop last week (one day I'll go - hopefully it won't always coincide with camp). But good to be back, singing. I'll miss the next 2 weeks, but for camping, so it'll be good. Luminara is this week too, but I managed to get us into a lantern workshop at the last minute (for tomorrow), so we don't need to worry about making lanterns before it happens. though I might bring lantern stuff camping and we can make some there and have our own little parade of lights one night. I'm going to skip the fancy pirate costume - did i already say that this week? I wish I could make it, but I want to make a nice, fitted (ie wench-like) laced bodice and I don't want to rush it. Plus if I loose a bit (a lot!) of weight it'll look better...shame to put in a lot of work and have it not fit.
So I don't need to worry about Luminara much - find the parts of Xander's pirate costume, organize my wings and urban fairy outfit - maybe if I'm inspired make a quick mask that'll fit over glasses...otherwise no mask and that's okay too.
Costume for Xander's Harry Potter stuff is a must, but I think it'll be pretty easy. We do need a new broom and golden snitch, since the dog ate the old ones, and I need to re-do a Quidditch sweater that fits, but the robes stuff fit, and the pads are good. That's for Friday night. I don't know if I'll bother dressing up - the concept is good but the timing isn't great. Dress-ups 2 nights in a row - unheard of!
Anyways, it'll all get sorted out. Tomorrow is garbage day and I have pet cages that need cleaning and the fridge to go through and so on, so I'm off to get busy.
More as I figure it out!
stupid spell check
doesn't
fix capitals,
so if i look all
ee cummings
that's why!
Monday, July 16, 2007
I think it might be that my formative years were in the 80's. There is absolutely nothing that says summer to me like a grand selections of songs from the 80's, played while driving, windows open, and tonight, sunroof open too. used to be we had a lovely convertible - not kid friendly, but a treat nonetheless. I miss Lulu (the van) dreadfully, and am royally pissed at absolutely no resolution with ICBC on even starting repairs. But driving around town tonight picking up camp photos and lemon meringue pie with the sunroof open did me some good. Unless it's just the sugar high from the pie...
I have reservations to go camping, leaving on Sunday, at Rathtrevor Provincial Park(http://www.env.gov.bc.ca/bcparks/projectgo/parks_pages/victoria/rathtrevor.html), in Parksville, here on Vancouver Island. Its reservation only, and the whole campground is pretty much booked for the summer within days of the reservations opening up. I booked 10 nights, and am damned if I'm going to miss out. Last year I waited too long and had to settle for another park about 1/2 hour away, which was still lovely, but not the same at all. And we have friends joining us - one of X's close friends, his mom and his younger sister, for a couple of nights, plus maybe some other guests. So this car thing has got to be figured out ASAP. Even if I go with a loaner car, it'll suffice. But I need to figure out where Lulu is going to get repaired, and get my hands on a loaner...
Plus there's Harry Potter Friday night, a very big deal since Rob is the event coordinator for Bolen Books and they're hosting a skookum big launch party that X and I need to attend. Followed by avoiding all media and internet until i read the book - camping, right? Though Saturday night is also Luminara, and i also don't want to miss that - its become an annual tradition for X and I. We're going to a lantern making workshop on Wednesday, and were to be dressing up in pirate costumes - I had hoped to create a pirate princess outfit (when else can I get away with wearing my skull tiara?), but wanted to do the fitted bodice and everything and that might have to wait. I can always pull on my fairy wings, of course.
Anyways, we're still at square one, though I hope to have more answers tomorrow. And hopefully a shop for lulu, even if it means going over Thursday to meet with people and pick up a loaner car and start to hash it all out. So long as I'm back by Friday night, even if I take the last ferry.
I have reservations to go camping, leaving on Sunday, at Rathtrevor Provincial Park(http://www.env.gov.bc.ca/bcparks/projectgo/parks_pages/victoria/rathtrevor.html), in Parksville, here on Vancouver Island. Its reservation only, and the whole campground is pretty much booked for the summer within days of the reservations opening up. I booked 10 nights, and am damned if I'm going to miss out. Last year I waited too long and had to settle for another park about 1/2 hour away, which was still lovely, but not the same at all. And we have friends joining us - one of X's close friends, his mom and his younger sister, for a couple of nights, plus maybe some other guests. So this car thing has got to be figured out ASAP. Even if I go with a loaner car, it'll suffice. But I need to figure out where Lulu is going to get repaired, and get my hands on a loaner...
Plus there's Harry Potter Friday night, a very big deal since Rob is the event coordinator for Bolen Books and they're hosting a skookum big launch party that X and I need to attend. Followed by avoiding all media and internet until i read the book - camping, right? Though Saturday night is also Luminara, and i also don't want to miss that - its become an annual tradition for X and I. We're going to a lantern making workshop on Wednesday, and were to be dressing up in pirate costumes - I had hoped to create a pirate princess outfit (when else can I get away with wearing my skull tiara?), but wanted to do the fitted bodice and everything and that might have to wait. I can always pull on my fairy wings, of course.
Anyways, we're still at square one, though I hope to have more answers tomorrow. And hopefully a shop for lulu, even if it means going over Thursday to meet with people and pick up a loaner car and start to hash it all out. So long as I'm back by Friday night, even if I take the last ferry.
Poor Lulu...poor me!
So at the beginning of camp I had a car accident - no one was hurt, it was the best scenario that could've been under the circumstances, but... It took me from camp, dealing with BCAA and then ICBC, trying to figure out where to have it towed, what to do with it. Working with the camp staff because of the damage there. Getting a rental car. people at camp were amazing - they had Lulu (the van) unpacked and were setting up my room, making my bed, putting up lights, putting flowers in vases for me to enjoy, without my having to even ask. There were hugs and support, and loads of compliments for my calmness under the circumstances.
Now however, I have one hell of a headache to deal with. It was only towed to Coquitlam, which I thought would be okay, but no one is taking ownership - it needs to go to Toyota to get the brakes looked at, it needs bodywork, and there was previous cosmetic damage I'd left alone that complicates the work that now needs to be done. I want it on the Island, but it'll be out of pocket, and all the shops on the mainland I've called have also recommended that i get it here. I'm looking at several hundred dollars to do so. My rental car is only covered for a few days, so I'm out of pocket from that, though if I find a shop with a replacement car, at least that'll be covered. I'm reserved for camping on Sunday, for 10 nights and don't want to miss out on that. I need that to look forward to. It should have been easy to figure out where to take it - so i thought. I guess my other option would be to go and stay in Vancouver for a few days while its getting looked over...
I'm waiting to hear from my claims adjuster now, to see what she recommends, and how much the barge would be. Sigh.
BIG sigh. Now is when I need a song or 2 and maybe a couple of those great hugs. Though I do know that I won't dwell on it for long and will get positive soon. I'm just waiting for that to happen...
Now however, I have one hell of a headache to deal with. It was only towed to Coquitlam, which I thought would be okay, but no one is taking ownership - it needs to go to Toyota to get the brakes looked at, it needs bodywork, and there was previous cosmetic damage I'd left alone that complicates the work that now needs to be done. I want it on the Island, but it'll be out of pocket, and all the shops on the mainland I've called have also recommended that i get it here. I'm looking at several hundred dollars to do so. My rental car is only covered for a few days, so I'm out of pocket from that, though if I find a shop with a replacement car, at least that'll be covered. I'm reserved for camping on Sunday, for 10 nights and don't want to miss out on that. I need that to look forward to. It should have been easy to figure out where to take it - so i thought. I guess my other option would be to go and stay in Vancouver for a few days while its getting looked over...
I'm waiting to hear from my claims adjuster now, to see what she recommends, and how much the barge would be. Sigh.
BIG sigh. Now is when I need a song or 2 and maybe a couple of those great hugs. Though I do know that I won't dwell on it for long and will get positive soon. I'm just waiting for that to happen...
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Post NWTC
It seems that every year, after camp, I experience the craziest need to just sleep and be alone to decompress, to relive experiences and conversations, to have song after song play in my head. To need the time to just close my eyes and recreate that hug, this moment. As if by doing so I can imprint them on my memory in a more tangible way. My skin feels itchy, being touched by others is bothersome, noise and sounds annoy me in the worst way. Like nothing can be allowed to interfere as I assimilate all that was camp into my psyche, into my very bones, to be able to call it forth when needed in the dark days of winter.
Curiously, last year I didn't work as hard at maintaining camp relationships. I didn't travel as much, stopped emailing. I don't know why, or what started it. Last year's camp was an amazing experience and maybe it was enough to keep me going. Or maybe the desire to maintain contact fled. It was a very hard year, after all. And I wasn't in a place to open up and share. I passed though towns where camp friends were and felt that old shyness creep up and constrict me, keep me from calling. This year, all I want is to figure out when people might be gathering, try to see where I might fit in visits. A trip back east? South to Phoenix? That huge conference in Chicago in November where so many convene?
I feel the need to gather it all close inside. I had a shitty time at camp in many ways - with the van accident, I was incredibly fractured, pulled out of the moment continually. I was stressed about Xander's experience, which was not what either of us had hoped for, despite all our preparation for change. The mix of people was different, expectations weren't met at times, and I didn't get much time to visit with some of the people I dearly wanted to, and had mixed experiences with others. Yet this year, much more than last, I want to reach out more, which, quite frankly, boggles me. Am I trying to make up for what I didn't get? Trying to expand on what did work, to strengthen the experiences that were positive? There were moments - a couple of hugs that seemed to stretch into eternity, right when I needed them the most, a couple of private conversations that gave me a better understanding of the people I was with. Moments with some that I don't often get, and new friendships that have the potential to blossom beautifully. Walls knocked down and new levels of friendship built. All while struggling to find my place, to make some sense of what was going on, while forced to deal with the practical.
I know this is a babbly entry. Its hard to put into any sort of concise words. But right now, I feel the need to store it up, soak it in, build it into my very being, so that, when things are bleak, dark and lonely, I don't feel as lonely, or as afraid or shy to reach out.
That's about it. To new friends. To recreating old relationships. To skin hunger and music, laughter and tears. To trusting that things can be okay, that there are good people in the world, who don't see shyness as snobbery. To driving down the freeway with the top off, to hearing songs in the darkness, singing lullabies to friends, hugs that nourish like I was a child. To math riddles and being acknowledged as someone who did something right. To being in that place of grace, being safe, being loved and appreciated. To true, unflinching eye contact, and silly inside jokes. To knowing songs that others know, and some that no one else does. To stepping outside of the comfort zone, making music and making friends. Asking for a backrub, 'doing it right'.
To NWTC. I don't think you realize how very important you are to me. Thank you.
Curiously, last year I didn't work as hard at maintaining camp relationships. I didn't travel as much, stopped emailing. I don't know why, or what started it. Last year's camp was an amazing experience and maybe it was enough to keep me going. Or maybe the desire to maintain contact fled. It was a very hard year, after all. And I wasn't in a place to open up and share. I passed though towns where camp friends were and felt that old shyness creep up and constrict me, keep me from calling. This year, all I want is to figure out when people might be gathering, try to see where I might fit in visits. A trip back east? South to Phoenix? That huge conference in Chicago in November where so many convene?
I feel the need to gather it all close inside. I had a shitty time at camp in many ways - with the van accident, I was incredibly fractured, pulled out of the moment continually. I was stressed about Xander's experience, which was not what either of us had hoped for, despite all our preparation for change. The mix of people was different, expectations weren't met at times, and I didn't get much time to visit with some of the people I dearly wanted to, and had mixed experiences with others. Yet this year, much more than last, I want to reach out more, which, quite frankly, boggles me. Am I trying to make up for what I didn't get? Trying to expand on what did work, to strengthen the experiences that were positive? There were moments - a couple of hugs that seemed to stretch into eternity, right when I needed them the most, a couple of private conversations that gave me a better understanding of the people I was with. Moments with some that I don't often get, and new friendships that have the potential to blossom beautifully. Walls knocked down and new levels of friendship built. All while struggling to find my place, to make some sense of what was going on, while forced to deal with the practical.
I know this is a babbly entry. Its hard to put into any sort of concise words. But right now, I feel the need to store it up, soak it in, build it into my very being, so that, when things are bleak, dark and lonely, I don't feel as lonely, or as afraid or shy to reach out.
That's about it. To new friends. To recreating old relationships. To skin hunger and music, laughter and tears. To trusting that things can be okay, that there are good people in the world, who don't see shyness as snobbery. To driving down the freeway with the top off, to hearing songs in the darkness, singing lullabies to friends, hugs that nourish like I was a child. To math riddles and being acknowledged as someone who did something right. To being in that place of grace, being safe, being loved and appreciated. To true, unflinching eye contact, and silly inside jokes. To knowing songs that others know, and some that no one else does. To stepping outside of the comfort zone, making music and making friends. Asking for a backrub, 'doing it right'.
To NWTC. I don't think you realize how very important you are to me. Thank you.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Ugh!
Being sick sucks
This I know to be true.
That's about all I have to say, pretty much. I have anasty head and chest cold, with sore ears too. Yuck.
Choir concert went well, considering I could barely hear. Hopefully I wasn't so atrociously off-key I threw off my section! No one complained, but they're kind that way...
No choir for 2 weeks. Bummer. Also major suckage.
Not sure what's grand right now...I'll figure it out, though - I always do!
There's a lovely CCLT member (community choir leadership training), with a hugely infectious smile and seemingly wonderful outlook on life. I've always thought of her as looking kind of like Janice from Friends, only much prettier and so much more alive...turns out she's an actress from LA...yes, Janice from Friends! I'm so glad I didn't know that before, since I was able to make my own impressions without any tainting. She's the sort of person you can't take your eyes off, simply incredibly present and expressive, and it would've been different if I was watching to see a resemblenace or anything like that.
Watching the cclt people made me feel that longing for touch I get at camp - casual, its okay to lean on anyone, touch anyone sort of stuff, what K calls so appropriately 'skin hunger'. The cclt people are so comfortable with each other and themselves and I envy that. A lot. Something for me to work through and try to figure out how to invite into my own life.
I'm pretty sure I'm feverish - my skin hurts, typing hurts my fingertips and my hair hurts. Plus my nose is dripping non-stop, so I'm off to bed to see if my neocitran will actually work.
Ciao! Whimseysgirl signing off without a spellcheck...oh well!
This I know to be true.
That's about all I have to say, pretty much. I have anasty head and chest cold, with sore ears too. Yuck.
Choir concert went well, considering I could barely hear. Hopefully I wasn't so atrociously off-key I threw off my section! No one complained, but they're kind that way...
No choir for 2 weeks. Bummer. Also major suckage.
Not sure what's grand right now...I'll figure it out, though - I always do!
There's a lovely CCLT member (community choir leadership training), with a hugely infectious smile and seemingly wonderful outlook on life. I've always thought of her as looking kind of like Janice from Friends, only much prettier and so much more alive...turns out she's an actress from LA...yes, Janice from Friends! I'm so glad I didn't know that before, since I was able to make my own impressions without any tainting. She's the sort of person you can't take your eyes off, simply incredibly present and expressive, and it would've been different if I was watching to see a resemblenace or anything like that.
Watching the cclt people made me feel that longing for touch I get at camp - casual, its okay to lean on anyone, touch anyone sort of stuff, what K calls so appropriately 'skin hunger'. The cclt people are so comfortable with each other and themselves and I envy that. A lot. Something for me to work through and try to figure out how to invite into my own life.
I'm pretty sure I'm feverish - my skin hurts, typing hurts my fingertips and my hair hurts. Plus my nose is dripping non-stop, so I'm off to bed to see if my neocitran will actually work.
Ciao! Whimseysgirl signing off without a spellcheck...oh well!
Its been a long while
And I won't write much right now. Have had a crazy (but grand) January, which began with a road trip to Disneyland with the little lad and a good friend, and closed with a trip to New York with hubby and the boyo...
House a disaster, craziness and a touch of the stomach flu in the middle, but a very excellent start to the year.
If February follows suit, ending as it begins, we're in trouble, though...
the dear little boyo has pneumonia. Caught it early - thanks to the not-too-subtle cues from his aching and highly feverish body - temperature ranged from 103 to 105...for 36 hours with no other real symptoms - he puked at the onset, once, and again today upon being moved into the van, but no other stomach bug signs. The Montessori and daycare where I work and he hangs out has been decimated by both a stomach virus and a really bad bronchial type cold/infection - 9 staff away Friday, but it was okay because an equal percentage of kids were away. Curse all those parents who sent sick kids knowing they were sick, though! It's so hard on the kids who need to be tucked in at home and it keeps the germs spreading for so much longer. I especially get frustrated about those who are stay at home parents who don't even have the excuse of not being able to book time off work. And I say that as a very part-time parent who homeschools and stays home most of the time, not in a belittling way to those who are fortunate enough to be home. But really, people!
But boyo is on hefty meds and should be fine in a couple of days. That's not what is currently bothering me...
I'm in a really amazing choir. I would say its life-altering, in the same was NWTC has been, for many of the same reasons, and in many of the same ways. There are 350 in the choir most sessions, and we raise funds for both power of hope, and amazing program for youth, and for Kappassani, a village in Mozambique. I can't say enough good things about the people who lead it, or those who volunteer to keep it going, or all the super supportive people around me, especially my gang of fellow low altos.
We have concerts this weekend, one this past Friday, on tomorrow (today - Sunday). I bought my parents tickets for tomorrow, for Christmas. Its not something they'd seek out but I'm pretty confident they'll enjoy it. Before we left for NYC, I reminded mom about the concert a couple of times, letting her know it was the very next weekend after we returned, and we pretty soundly told off the second time, as it was "on the calendar". I stopped reminding, since it was made very clear I needn't bother, and that being reminded was not the thing to do.
You can see where this is going...I called today to confirm and set up meeting time for after, and let them know about Mr. X's illness, and reached my dad who had no idea what I was talking about. Turns out my sister is visiting from the Mainland and she and my mom went off shopping. Logically, I'd be seething with resentment about my sister being there, and all that goes with it, but truly, I'm not at all bothered by that. Intellectually, I'm surprised that I'm not, but I know she and mom have fun shopping and it means I, who am not a shopper, don't need to fill that space in the family dynamics.
I'm more upset by the fact that after I was told to quit reminding my mom, she not only forgot, but much worse seems completely unapologetic - and here's the kicker - I can't shake this feeling of guilt!!! I feel bad for my dad who has to drive my sister to the ferry up-Island - there's understandable reasons why she can't take the one close to here, though that sucks for him. She's not changing her schedule - she was going to take that earlier ferry regardless. But driving has been hard on him since he's had knee replacement surgery, and he'll be spending about 5 hours total driving tomorrow, though it will be broken up. Mom could drive, but won't, because the roads will be wet. They could miss it and I'd eat the ticket cost, since the tickets are for such a good cause. R and Mr X will be home due to the pneumonia anyways, so we're out the money for those 2 and I won't be able to sell them.
Its more the complete sense that its an obligation to come down, and a chore and not on their list of things they'd want to do. And I can't help but feel that if R and the boy were going to be meeting them they'd be much more excited - I'm far from the main attraction these days. I should have learned from the last gift I gave that involved tickets not to bother, but I thought this might be a good way to get them out of the house. Now its the last thing I want. I feel guilty, and angry at feeling guilty and at the situation. What makes it worse is that choir is one of the best things that has happened in recent memory and it's going to be sullied tomorrow, though I'll try not to let it be, and hopefully they'll be so wowwed it will make it all different. I just feel sick about it right now. And maybe sick regardless, as I'm fighting a cold, which will make singing harder.
Arg.
That's it for now...
Time to get the good feelings back, as I know they're there somewhere.
And time to hit the sack or I'll be yawning my way through the songs!
House a disaster, craziness and a touch of the stomach flu in the middle, but a very excellent start to the year.
If February follows suit, ending as it begins, we're in trouble, though...
the dear little boyo has pneumonia. Caught it early - thanks to the not-too-subtle cues from his aching and highly feverish body - temperature ranged from 103 to 105...for 36 hours with no other real symptoms - he puked at the onset, once, and again today upon being moved into the van, but no other stomach bug signs. The Montessori and daycare where I work and he hangs out has been decimated by both a stomach virus and a really bad bronchial type cold/infection - 9 staff away Friday, but it was okay because an equal percentage of kids were away. Curse all those parents who sent sick kids knowing they were sick, though! It's so hard on the kids who need to be tucked in at home and it keeps the germs spreading for so much longer. I especially get frustrated about those who are stay at home parents who don't even have the excuse of not being able to book time off work. And I say that as a very part-time parent who homeschools and stays home most of the time, not in a belittling way to those who are fortunate enough to be home. But really, people!
But boyo is on hefty meds and should be fine in a couple of days. That's not what is currently bothering me...
I'm in a really amazing choir. I would say its life-altering, in the same was NWTC has been, for many of the same reasons, and in many of the same ways. There are 350 in the choir most sessions, and we raise funds for both power of hope, and amazing program for youth, and for Kappassani, a village in Mozambique. I can't say enough good things about the people who lead it, or those who volunteer to keep it going, or all the super supportive people around me, especially my gang of fellow low altos.
We have concerts this weekend, one this past Friday, on tomorrow (today - Sunday). I bought my parents tickets for tomorrow, for Christmas. Its not something they'd seek out but I'm pretty confident they'll enjoy it. Before we left for NYC, I reminded mom about the concert a couple of times, letting her know it was the very next weekend after we returned, and we pretty soundly told off the second time, as it was "on the calendar". I stopped reminding, since it was made very clear I needn't bother, and that being reminded was not the thing to do.
You can see where this is going...I called today to confirm and set up meeting time for after, and let them know about Mr. X's illness, and reached my dad who had no idea what I was talking about. Turns out my sister is visiting from the Mainland and she and my mom went off shopping. Logically, I'd be seething with resentment about my sister being there, and all that goes with it, but truly, I'm not at all bothered by that. Intellectually, I'm surprised that I'm not, but I know she and mom have fun shopping and it means I, who am not a shopper, don't need to fill that space in the family dynamics.
I'm more upset by the fact that after I was told to quit reminding my mom, she not only forgot, but much worse seems completely unapologetic - and here's the kicker - I can't shake this feeling of guilt!!! I feel bad for my dad who has to drive my sister to the ferry up-Island - there's understandable reasons why she can't take the one close to here, though that sucks for him. She's not changing her schedule - she was going to take that earlier ferry regardless. But driving has been hard on him since he's had knee replacement surgery, and he'll be spending about 5 hours total driving tomorrow, though it will be broken up. Mom could drive, but won't, because the roads will be wet. They could miss it and I'd eat the ticket cost, since the tickets are for such a good cause. R and Mr X will be home due to the pneumonia anyways, so we're out the money for those 2 and I won't be able to sell them.
Its more the complete sense that its an obligation to come down, and a chore and not on their list of things they'd want to do. And I can't help but feel that if R and the boy were going to be meeting them they'd be much more excited - I'm far from the main attraction these days. I should have learned from the last gift I gave that involved tickets not to bother, but I thought this might be a good way to get them out of the house. Now its the last thing I want. I feel guilty, and angry at feeling guilty and at the situation. What makes it worse is that choir is one of the best things that has happened in recent memory and it's going to be sullied tomorrow, though I'll try not to let it be, and hopefully they'll be so wowwed it will make it all different. I just feel sick about it right now. And maybe sick regardless, as I'm fighting a cold, which will make singing harder.
Arg.
That's it for now...
Time to get the good feelings back, as I know they're there somewhere.
And time to hit the sack or I'll be yawning my way through the songs!
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
I'm weary and dispirited
I'm heading to bed as soon as I'm done his because I'm not getting enough sleep. Once again there just aren't enough hours in the day and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I went to the Learning Disabilities resource Centre today and got a tutor for Xander. I don't think I'm admitting defeat, but it feels like I've let him down on some level, even though I know we've been really working hard at the reading. He needs something different, and I think maybe someone different, to get him back on track at least. Its like I was saying to him today - when he goes to swim lessons, he does things for his teachers he'd never do for me, likewise with dance and musical theatre and skating...It isn't usually a problem with jobs and work he likes, such as math or science or socials. But other jobs, or things that feel too much like work, he'll dig in his heels. So hopefully this will e a good thing for him - its certainly pricey enough! But I have to get over the feelings of not meeting his needs in terms of reading/literacy, and let someone else help. I still think he's 100% better off than he'd be at a school.
And then I feel like I've been letting others down - I haven't been in contact with camp people, or sent away the tape I haven't made. we haven't done thank you cards for Xander's presents, I haven't uploaded my Hollyhock music and sent it out, or contacted any of the people from there that I meant to.
I'm behind on laundry, dishes, and all the housework that got halfway done before we got the computers, which I've failed to set up. plus moving the bunny cage, finishing setting up our daycare space, getting Xander's work completely going. Creating a unit study of ancient Greece and the mythology. registering him for other swim lessons, exploring music lessons or other active classes. I missed out on any dance or arts classes for myself, which is fine, since I'm doing choir and Rob'll be gone or busy with events most nights anyways.
I haven't started an eating plan, or even tried to keep junk food out of the house and out of my body. I haven't been walking the dog, or getting any exercise, or enough sleep. I'm not taking care of myself.
I've been too busy to archive Rob's reviews - not that I know where they all are right now, actually. I'm neglecting him too.
I know things are actually going very well. I just spend so much of my time ensuring others are content, or happy, or cared for and already I've let my own stuff slide. I feel I can't do good stuff for me (other than choir, which has become a physiological need) until I do all the things I need to do, as listed above, and then some.
But the reality is that the house is a mess, I'm not where I should be for homeschooling (I have to submit our lesson plan pronto), I'm physically in rough shape and need to pull it together...
Arg!
Anyways, this is far too depressing and negative, which I'm trying not to be, so I shall stop right here.
Sleep should help!
And then I feel like I've been letting others down - I haven't been in contact with camp people, or sent away the tape I haven't made. we haven't done thank you cards for Xander's presents, I haven't uploaded my Hollyhock music and sent it out, or contacted any of the people from there that I meant to.
I'm behind on laundry, dishes, and all the housework that got halfway done before we got the computers, which I've failed to set up. plus moving the bunny cage, finishing setting up our daycare space, getting Xander's work completely going. Creating a unit study of ancient Greece and the mythology. registering him for other swim lessons, exploring music lessons or other active classes. I missed out on any dance or arts classes for myself, which is fine, since I'm doing choir and Rob'll be gone or busy with events most nights anyways.
I haven't started an eating plan, or even tried to keep junk food out of the house and out of my body. I haven't been walking the dog, or getting any exercise, or enough sleep. I'm not taking care of myself.
I've been too busy to archive Rob's reviews - not that I know where they all are right now, actually. I'm neglecting him too.
I know things are actually going very well. I just spend so much of my time ensuring others are content, or happy, or cared for and already I've let my own stuff slide. I feel I can't do good stuff for me (other than choir, which has become a physiological need) until I do all the things I need to do, as listed above, and then some.
But the reality is that the house is a mess, I'm not where I should be for homeschooling (I have to submit our lesson plan pronto), I'm physically in rough shape and need to pull it together...
Arg!
Anyways, this is far too depressing and negative, which I'm trying not to be, so I shall stop right here.
Sleep should help!
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