I'm freaking out a little...

I'm about to embark on an adventure. Pretty cool, but terrifying for me in so many ways.

Background...camp has inspired me (thank you Julie M!!!) to be bolder and wilder. Not crazy, but stepping out of my comfort zone, even just that little bit, and seeing where it takes me.

Well, in September (last year), I made a bold move and joined a local choir I've been wanting to join for years. It's called The Gettin' Higher Choir. Averages 300 members per season, is 4 part, non-audition, anyone can sing type of thing. Incredibly welcoming, but it was still a huge step for me. I'm not confident in my singing voice. I'm shy. Hideously, horrendously, achingly shy. Not once I get to know people, and not usually one-on-one (though sometimes that too). Definitely not in a forum like this. But in a group...

I love to learn, love to take classes in dance, movement, art...but almost always stuff where I work on my own, learn as part of a group, but still individually. For choir, I had to pick my section - not too hard since I was in a jazz choir all through high school - alto, low if it gets broken down. Then I had to get to know some of my choir-mates, since a huge part of the choir is repetoire songs and we learn through the 'sourdough' method - the regular choir is the starter, us newbies are the fresh ingredients and we have to listen well to learn. So I had to find people I could learn from. This has gone incredibly well. I've made new friends, and have had an amazing time with the choir. I'm thrilled I took the plunge and can't see it not being a part of my life anymore. Practices are 3 times a week, and we choose 1 to attend...but can go for more. Any time I can, I'm going twice a week, to the 2 session close to home.

We have 2 concerts a year. Plus a lot of SWATS - Sing When Asked To...performances for various festivals, charitable do's, the world peace forum this year, all sorts of stuff. But its the concerts I want to write about. Wow is this a long set up for a short end result! Bear with me, if you can. One of the choir directors, Shivon Robinsong (and isn't that a lovely name?), is on the Board of Hollyhock, a Wellness Centre on an island off of Vancouver Island, about 4 hours north of Victoria. At each concert - which I'll write about at a future date, as they are benefit concerts for Power of Hope and for Kapassani (sp?) village in Mozambique - at each concert there is a draw for tuition at one of the programs at Hollyhock - 2 draws, one from the audience tickets and one from the choir member list. Rob won the audience ticket, its for a music based workshop, he passed it on to me, and next Wednesday I'm off to Hollyhock.

Now here's where everything was leading up to. I'm going alone. For 4 nights, 5 full days. I've never been away from Xander for more than 1 night. The last time I left home to go to classes alone like this was university...18 years ago. At camp, I went with Pat Thompson the first year - and had Xander for a lovely foil. In truth, I hide behind him regularly. he makes me step out of my shell, but he also detracts attention from me. I'm going to a singing workshop, in which I am sure I will be singing on my own at times. With no one I know except my director, who is leading the workshop, but who I know on a very superficial level - if she recognizes me from choir, I'll be lucky - there are 300 people each session, and over 1000 members over the past 10. We blur together. Though after this she'll know who I am.

I am freaking out. Logically I know I can do this, and I am by nature a very logical gal. Which makes it harder when my emotions go crazy like they are now. I know Xander will be fine - I have absolutely no worries there. But I'll miss him dearly. We're very connected, he and I. Rob's book comes out the day before I leave - I'll be going mental wondering how sales are, how he's doing with it all. I'm used to being there to support him when things are stressful. Though I can check in - cell phones apparently work in the parking lot...Though they are discouraged. Oh yeah - Hollyhock is one FANCY retreat centre. All organic, all vegetarian (and I am a picky eater...), not shoes in any building, which I can completely get behind. Swim suits optional on the beach and in the hot tubs, which pushes my comfort zone farther than I'd like. So pricey that I can only afford to tent - only my tuition is covered - meals and tenting is $85 a night. And we know about the curse...do I want to be setting up tarps in a ritzy place like that? Because it WILL rain if I put up a tent. Meeting tons of new people - there's 4 different workshops going on at the same time and everyone mingles at meals and free time. Mingling, talking, small talk, chatting, singing with strangers. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Okay, deep breath. I know it will be fine - but I have to survive the build-up to it. The 6 hour trip to get there, getting more nervous every moment. The walking in to the main room to register, then the setting up of my tent, then going cold into the dining hall....little enough things, but I'll be completely on my own and that is one hell of a challenge for me. I have panic attacks thinking about it. I seriously am THAT shy and insecure in new situations. And I hadn't realized just how much I was hiding behind Xander.

I'm sure this will be the best thing for me. There're computers there - I'll blog if I get the chance, and will journal for sure. But I am as scared as I've ever been - maybe even more than when I left home to go to university, since I knew people from school there. I went from high school to a dorm, to living with Rob. I've never been on my own, and even 5 days like this is enormous to me.

Well, there it is. If anyone wants to offer any sage words of wisdom, I'd be happy to hear them. I am excited, too, but right now it is overwhelmingly swamped by my terror!